Dust from the PS4….

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It had been a looooong day at work. The kind of day that all you want to do is get in, take your shoes off and do nothing.  My house is not really like that. It’s a busy house. There have been times when I have got to run my bath at the end of the evening and I still haven’t taken my coat off!

I’m hoping when I get in today there won’t be too much to do, get some food, go on my phone. Its about 6pm and its dark. The house is dark as I walk up to it, which is strange because usually my house is the one glowing. The kids walk round my house and turn every light on like electricity is free. I gave up telling them to turn the lights off years ago. I just go around doing it. But, today, no lights…hmmmm.

I put the key in the door and as soon as I walk in it feels different. You must know that feeling when something seems out of place. My cats run to greet me (Greet me is a lie I tell myself …they run to make me give them food). The house feels cold…. So, I rush in and turn the heating on, fed the cats and then…look round…what’s different…

Then, like a smack in the face I see it…The play station 4 is gone. I walk over and all that is left is the dusty outline, a big square, where I have been too busy to have a proper dust for a few days. I go to call upstairs and then I …just…stop.

Madness really. He texted me a few hours ago …. yet…since then and the journey home my mind has wondered, and I forgot.

I just stand there …. staring at the space where the PS4 used to be. I feel my eyes well up…stupid women… I angry blink the teas away. I’m just rooted there. I think of all the different computers that have sat I my living room. Taking up room, gathering dust. The many different houses they have occupied. The arguments over them. I take a moment. I let one tear fall.

I walk upstairs and push open the door. 2 bed and furniture in there…but the room is empty. I’m not gonna lie, I sat on one of the beds. A few more tears fall. I think of the years I have sat like thus, between the two beds. Not these exact beds, but usually always set up like this. I take a deep breath and look around the room. It looks so childish in some ways. Bits of paper, book. Long forgotten gadgets. I never, not once, when I sat on the 2 beds, not in all the years, did I think it would be like this.

Years…and I do mean years…. I worried and cried in silence, just wishing for one thing. The thing that has happened today.

I get up.

I don’t really know what to do. So, I go and sit on my bed. With my coat on.

I look up and hanging above my bed is a drawing. It has been there for ages. It’s a drawing of the sea that he done and signed. I hang my head. No. Not now. But I can’t help it.

The memories start racing.

I have cried soooooo many nights scared he would be taken. By them, By the streets, by anyone. I used to wake up in panic…. having dreams of him being removed……it has had me in tears many times.

I just wanted to do a good job.I hope I did. I tried my best.

I am sobbing now. Great. I angrily wipe the tears. Why am I even crying. This happens to people every day. Just get over it …..

I storm downstairs, grab my polish and cloth and storm over to the TV. This is stupid. Been a long time coming. Fix up.

I spray the area where the PS4 was…and I wipe the dust away. I look at the space. Like it was never there. Never was. And then I sit on my sofa and cry. Hard.  I need it. I cry for all the times we were scared. For all the times we never knew how this would turn out. I cry because I feel relived. I cry because I will miss him. I cry because I am so proud of him.

The tears slow. My face feels swollen but, I can breathe normally again.

I look at the picture on the wall. Of him, in his graduation gown and cap and I smile.

My son moved out today. He moved out with his fiancée (If ya don’t mind). He has gone to start his adult life. And I couldn’t be happier. She is perfect for him, as he Is for her.

But…and its only a little but…. a little tiny but……wiping that dust away has reminded me that its over so quick. Childhood. My Children’s childhood. I swear down the boys were just upstairs arguing about something …like yesterday…. kicking ball and fighting over the last cake. We didn’t have what people would class as a “Traditional” mother and son relationship. I was a child. We grew together. We learnt together. Made mistakes together. I don’t like it when parent say they are friends with their children. I tell my kids all the tie that they are not my friends…. I am their mother. But sitting here…right now…. I take that back. This house, no wait, all the places we have lived, has been filled with tears and anger, arguments, and stomping. But also, laughter and kindness. Happiness and praise. And love. So much love.

Fuck….it washes me over me how much I love my kids.

I fought hard for the boys, for many years. They may never really know how hard.  I dint just fight. I made sure they were not dragged up. I made them speak right, act right. Have dreams. I had to be mum and dad. I had to be strict and punish and then also sooth fears. I start sobbing again, but this time it is more……free.

I feel like I have been at war for the longest time. And I just one. Because they never got taken from me. I did it. I kept my boys.

And now …they are gone. Not gone…. but…moved on. Just like I have been planning for years.

I am proud. Of course. And I am sure this time tomorrow I will be running around my house, playing music, and making the most of a child free house until my daughter get home,

But, for tonight, I am just gonna miss them….

One Comment Add yours

  1. I commend you Kendra on trying to do what is best for your kids

    I wasn’t that lucky there were many times the one that was supposed to be there the most and protect you.

    Was the one I cringed walking on shattered glass thinking that many times it was game over and for love of God please put me outta my fucking misery but hey that would be too easy eh…Where is the fun in that.

    I am alive today because of ME period. But I reminded by shattered pieces and open wounds that are soaked deeper with salt of the affliction and Hell I was force to endured for so many yrs. Where my life could have been no more and no one would ever fucking know what took place in the Basement of Secrets.

    https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/10/28/twisted-affliction/

    luas dia I do thuras Kendra

    ALEX

    Like

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