Homesick…

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Yesterday (and today) 3 of my friends from where I live now took part in the Moonwalk in London. I was going to take part but when I looked at the dates decided not to because it was so close to the anniversary of my mum’s death and the race started in Clapham, where I am originally from.

I often feel, I don’t know, lost maybe through May. My mum was diagnosed with Cancer and died of it all within 11 days in May 2008.

Anyway, I decide that I would not do the race because I felt that being in Clapham would be very sad for me. I have never returned to Clapham since I left. 4 months after my mum died.

It was only when I looked ta the dates that I realised that I have been out of London 10 years. My mum has been gone 10 years. This had a massive impact on me. So, my friends travel down to London to do the race. I am so proud of them, they worked so hard to complete the race. They have been out training and all 3 of them were so excited.

Then, they post a picture. A very normal picture of themselves outside of Sainsburys in Clapham common. You could not see that it was Clapham common but just knowing that 3 people that I was close to, from my present life, were standing in  palace where I had spent my whole life until I was 28 done something.

It was like I wanted to be there right now. I have avoided going “Home” for 10 years because I know that once I see, smell, and hear Clapham town, it will open a floodgate of memories and emotions I have been holding in. I want so badly to just stand outside the flat I lived in from the age of 2 until 28. The flat where my son was born on the bathroom floor. The flat where I would climb out of the window most nights, where I shed many a tear and laughed until the early hours, the flat where I learned what love was and what love was not. The flat where my mum died.

But I never go, because I will cry. A lot. And then the street I lived on. The little places that remind me of a thousand memories. I just can’t do it because it hurts.

But the three ladies that were there right now, they would look after me. They would not be scared of my tears and they would not judge me. Throughout the nights they sent and posted pictures of their journey and everyone brought back a memory. Then, at about 10 this morning, just as they were coming to the end, they sent a picture. They were in my Grandads road! I have not thought of or seen that road in over 10 years. And that was it, tears for a good hour or so.

I have spent the rest of the da talking to my son, telling him how gutted I didn’t go to the race. That I didn’t let Sharon, Becky and Kesta come and say hello to my past. A piece of my future , them, introduced to my past, my old home.

But then again….it tool them like 11 hours of walking through the night and that may have killed me off!! Lol

I have sat and I have thought. Shall I take a train over the next few weeks and visit home. Walk around and see how I feel. That still didn’t seem right.

So, I just went and checked where the Moon race will take place for 2019. It’s only Clapham common!!

So Sharon, Kesta and Becky .  am so proud of you and what  you have achived…but….Can you do it again next year so we can go and put some ghost to rest x

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