It dawned on me long ago that every time I confronted something that troubled me, I inadvertently became the issue. This realization sparked a journey of self-reflection and personal growth.

Over the years, I also realised that the more you heal, the more comfortable you are with being the villain in the story of the people who don’t want to do the work on themselves.

I’ve come to accept that I am, and always have been, the ‘villain‘ in many people’s narratives. Some of these portrayals are warranted, and I acknowledge that. However, in numerous instances, it’s simply convenient to cast me as the antagonist.

So, have a think. Just take a few minutes. Are you the villain in someone’s story? If yes, is it justified? Because, let’s be clear, the worst thing we can do is gaslight ourselves into not taking accountability. If it’s justified, then reflection must take place.

Anyway

I told my best friend that I am writing this blog and then told them that many people reading it will think it is aimed at them. So, if you read this and think, “Is it aimed at me?” the simple answer is yes.

Yes, it is aimed at you, and you know why.

So, I realised long ago that every time I addressed something that bothered me, I became the problem.

And for a long time, I would worry so much about it and think….

It could be the way I say, or it could be the way I approach the situation.

Maybe I need to change.

Maybe I have not fully understood the situation.

Maybe…maybe it’s just me….I am the problem.

Don’t get me wrong, all of these could be true. But once  I took time to look, reflect, heal, and learn, I discovered that, in most instances, that was not the case.

And don’t think I did this happily, this reflection. Oh no. I internally screamed like a soul being dragged into the flames of hell. I had to fight with my own mind like someone fighting for their life. I had to visit memories that I had long hidden in the darkest corners of my being.

I did not go into this self-reflection, skipping happily.

I went into it like an angry beast with a giant thorn in its paw and wanted nothing more than to find someone to blame.

After reading a LOT of books, counseling, healing therapy, spiritual enlightenment, and things like actively reconnecting with my inner child, I started to understand myself and others.

The problem is that you can have all the counseling and spiritual awakenings you want. If the other people involved are not also doing the self-work…well…a new problem arises. Growth will only take place on your side, and you suddenly find that you can’t connect with the same people anymore. People get sad and angry, thinking how everyone has changed, but the truth is ….You changed, not them.

That brings me to the fact that I am the villain in many people’s stories and how I am now comfortable with this.

I can’t control anyone but myself, and I live my “let them” so hard it’s tattooed on my back. I don’t want to control anyone but myself. That may be the more critical element to all this.

Now, I will first show my hand in terms of my part. If you know me or have worked with me, I hope you will agree this is a fair account. If people want to add anything, I am open to that.

First, I am blunt—to the point of rude sometimes. My bluntness will depend on how much I respect you. The more I respect you, the less blunt I will be. I will deliver my bluntness, but there will be a sweetener with it. But I am very blunt, and people don’t like this.

Second- I have very strong opinions on some things, and it would take a lot to sway me. You would have to have factual evidence or a solid case for me to listen to your opinion on CERTAIN subjects, not all subjects. This can be frustrating for people.

Third, I have firm boundaries—very black and white. If you overstep those boundaries, there is no coming back. There will be warnings, and if you choose to ignore them, we end up in a bleak place where either I tolerate you (because I have to) or you no longer exist to me. People may find this frustrating. I don’t know.

Fourth – and this may be the main factor. I am autistic.

So, how does autism contribute to my ‘villain‘ status in many stories? It’s a good question and one that deserves an answer. But to answer it, I need ot ask one more question.

This question is only for Autistic people – What flavor of autism did you get?

Personally, I did not get the good at maths or remembering things flavor. I didn’t get the science flavor. I don’t have the kind where I make people or feelings my special interest.

Nope

I got the justice flavor. And I then sprinkled on some ADHD for good measure.

That means that when I think something is unfair or see someone being treated differently or poorly, I won’t let it go.

Which is kind of good when you work in safeguarding.

However, in safeguarding and just in real life, most people do not…can I repeat—do not like being held accountable.

Now, if you look at the list of traits I listed, the autism, my own personal trauma, and having to defend myself most of my life, you will understand that I can’t come across as… passionate about things.

Passionate is the word I would use; however, other people say things like aggressive. I don’t threaten anyone, and most people have never heard me raise my voice, but people will listen when I feel something needs to be said. My ADHD means I will most likely talk over you when I know the point you’re making. I will call you out when you are being hypocritical. I will remind you of what you said last time. Last week, the summer of 1985- because I remember. But only if it conflicts with my own morals and beliefs. I will not remember what you said was your favorite food last week.

I will quote laws to prove my point.

But ultimately, I will hold you accountable. It could be in a Child Protection meeting. But it could also be because you, for example, are acting in a controlling and attention-seeking way. I will call you out on it. It could be because you say one thing and do another. It could be because you somehow tried to get rude and backtracked when you realized I was not that person.

If I think you are doing something that I disagree with, I will address it. It could be in various ways, but you will know.

And that’s how I learned that every time I addressed something that bothered me, I became the problem.

Of course, I have seen people listen and reflect; we will talk, and it will be resolved. Of course. My son is the main contender in this. He has lived with my “this can’t be fair” way of thinking his whole life. I approach him when I think I am being too harsh about something. He will tell me the truth in the way only he can, and he has been on the receiving end of some of my “This is not fair” speeches.

And it always gets resolved. Why? Because it is discussed. It’s not always agreed, hell no. But it is not ignored ( I mean, he may try, but eventually, I won’t be able to hold it in)

He loves and understands me and is willing to look at himself so I’m not the villain in his story. I have ….4 other people who also accept me in this way. I’m not the villain in their story.

But boy… I’m the evil queen of black death in soooooo many others. If I had even tried to list people’s different narratives about me, we would have been here for a good while. I mean, it would be a fascinating read, but Looooong.

But the bottom line is I am the problem.

All the people for who I am are the main wicked witch in their issues in life …me…I am the problem.

It seems I am very powerful. Little old me can make people angry and sad, be the reason they are this or that. My ears truly burn some evenings as I imagine someone with a curled lip saying, “I’m doing this or that.”

I am the problem.

A lady named Sam once told me, “Well, if you have the power to make all these people angry …I have some good news…You can make them all happy…

I am going to click my fingers….watch closely now and listen.

Click

There it is.

And now, all the people I made sad and angry are happy and joyful. Life is good, and you are smiling.

Because if I have the power to cause all this negative energy, control how people feel, and be the reason why people act a certain way, then indeed, I have the power to do the exact opposite…so now they are all happy.

No

Oh well.

The thing is, I have been fighting for years to prove my point, to argue my case, and well, I guess, prove that I am not the problem (except obviously when I am the problem, which I can sometimes be)

I don’t care anymore. I accept it. Not even that. It has nothing to do with me; it’s a reflection of you. Them. Whoever

Because when people don’t do the work, who else can they blame, themselves!! How could they? They don’t have the capacity for that kind of reflection.

Yes, some people may present as if they have done the work, speak to you in a patronizing way, or even make you believe that it’s you!

But you know, deep down, if it really is you. Just as I do.

So, I will be the villain in your story. I am the reason you are unhappy or whatever it is. I will take that. You won’t hear me argue it. If anyone reading this right now came to me and said, “Oh, I heard blah blah from blah blah about you,” I would respond with something like, “That’s nice.”

But I will still address all the things that bother me. Except now, I address them to the people who matter. It’s like shouting into the wind and arguing with people who can’t hear—pointless and exhausting.

But you can address the things that bother you, and you can find new ways of doing this in the hope that people will do the work and you won’t become the villain. But if you do… that’s okay. Someone has to be until they can stop and think. Wait. What was my part in this? What could I do differently? What did I need to think about?

When you are able to step away, you hear things about yourself, such as if we are all very honest and quite funny.

A  person once said to me.

“You are the reason some people lost their jobs.”

And I responded, “Did they fail children in safeguarding?”

They said, “Yes, but you got them fired”.

And I said….They got themselves fired.

But no, If you spoke to that group of people, the narrative would be that I got them fired. The failed safeguarding would almost be irrelevant to the story…to them. The best part…I have never had the power to fire anyone in any of my workplaces….go figure! This is what happens when people can’t or won’t do their self-work; they have to find someone to blame.

There is a great book called “How to do the work” by Dr. Nicole LePera. I want to say it was life-changing when I read it….but…I could tell that about a lot of things lately.

But read it…please….even if you have done the work. Then maybe you will be able to rewrite specific chapters in your life so that the real villain is revealed, or even better…you work out there doesn’t have to be a villain every time you don’t like something in life.

Anyway…where is my incense and four cats….