I believe that grief is something that is unique to each and every being. It is like a fingerprint. Only you know how you feel. There may be other people who have experienced the same kind of loss as you. But its only similar as in the circumstance or context. That is where it ends. Everything else is unique to you. Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint.
My Mum passed away 13 years ago today. Each year it gets…. different. Not better. Not easier. Different.
I have cried a lot today. I have spend the afternoon with Netflix on whilst doing my weekend stuff and each time an emotional part comes on I have been, subconsciously I must add, sitting on my sofa, crying and totally emerged in the feeling of sadness. Not deliberate in anyway. But almost as if I need an excuse to cry. To feel sad. To feel lonely.
Like…it’s been 13 years and sitting around crying aint gonna solve anything, so instead, I’m gonna sit here and sob when Washington is killed in Orange is the new black. And then again at the end of Toy story.
I miss her. So so much.
I have never felt the same since she passed. Like…. I can never be that person again…. the person I was before she died. Toast cannot be bread again…if you understand.
I also feel guilty when feeling so sad because I know that people out here are losing their children. People losing their parent right now. So, who am I to cry 13 years later?
My mum was more than a mum. It went deeper than that. We often swapped roles, which was scary for me, but it also made us have an incredibly unique bond. Just as grief is unique to each person, s is the bond they have with their loved ones.
I will always be lonely. Or…have a sense of loneliness. That will never go. Because nothing can replace what she was to me. My children come close of course. Each of them bringing me something. A reason to live at times. But still, it’s not the same.
And that’s OK.
I no longer wake up each day and think of her, which is both a good thing but also sad. I no longer wonder if she is proud of me or the kids. I know she is. I no longer feel like each day is a struggle with out her. It was for a long time…But I worked through it.
I just miss her.
I can never go “home”. I am “home”. I am the head of the family. I cannot just get away for a few days or lay my head on her lap when I am exhausted. I cannot cry to her so hard that she hugs me tight whilst I sob into her chest.
And that is something that you will never understand until you have lost your mum.
13 years and I still feel like a kid wondering when mum is coming home. Its mad.
Grief is unique to each person. It has no time limit. Just in the same way you loved them…. unique and with no time limit.
Your grief is as unique as your finger print.