Dear Bad Gal….

angry eyes

Now here is the thing…. the people that this blog is aimed at will probably never get to read it. It will be out here for anyone to read, but the girls I am trying to reach…they aint gonna listen to me. Not like this. But I have to try.

This blog is reaching out to girls involved with gangs and exploitation.  The ones that feel lost and confused and scared. And don’t say you are not scared because that’s bullshit.

You are better than this. Your life is worth more than this. And you can leave, and you can make a life for yourself, I swear down. It might just take some hard work and trusting the right people …but it can happen.

I remember thinking that no one could help me and the main reason for this was that I was acting like I didn’t need help. Didn’t want help. Why? Because what if I reached out to someone and they mad it worse. What if I reached out to someone and they confirmed my worst fear…that this was happening to most people and there was no way out. So, I just become harder. And colder. And shit just kept getting more real.

I get it. You’re not like that. You’re not like me. You’re not scared, and you don’t want help and just because bad shit happened to me don’t mean it will happen to you. Its my own fault that the males took advantage. You will never get yourself in that kind of mix up. Your no eediat. You know what you’re doing. You are controlling this.

Yer……I said all that too. That I was in control. That I would never do this, and I would never do that.

I remember a conversation with someone when I was about 14 that I would never sell heroine. That was the lowest of the low. Like…what kind of person does that.

I remember saying that I would never allow a man to disrespect me. Me…are you mad. Truth was, men had been disrespecting since I was in the womb, every time my mother was treated bad.

I thought I was so bad. I believed that I was untouchable. But then the touch came. And it shocked me to the core.

But I get it. You’re not like that. It wont ever happen to you.

I remember when they kept warning that I would be taken away from my mum. Social services saying over and over this or that would happen. Did I care…. I was a big woman (aged 14) and I aint gonna sit and cry because I will be taken from my mum and home. Bun that. I am making money and that’s what I do. I said to one social worker…” Take me from my mum. And…do you think I give a fuck”.

See the first night after they took me from my mum…… when all the lights were out, and it was just me…the other girl in the locked room who I had never met in my like and the darkness…I cried like a baby. And you will too…trust me on that. Aint no women too big to cry for their mumsy. Want to know the worst thing…she will be crying for you too.

So, what if you get pregnant you. AND. Bare people raise children young init. You got this.

Except…it doesn’t matter how old you are really…you could be 14 or 44…when your child gets sick or scared or needs something that you can’t afford…. or your old life pops up …then what. All your bad gal energy aint gonna help. Aint no gun dance that is gonna make a doctor treat your child quicker. Imagine brining your own child up in the life your living now…is that OK.

But I get it. You won’t get pregnant. You “Aint like that”. You don’t sleep around. You aint no sket. Ere what…they don’t use condoms when they ride the train…if ya get me. And they don’t care if you want to ride or not…if ya get me.

I here you…your gang is your fam. I see that. Like…my people may have let me down or whatever…but your people…they would never do that. Would they. Never. I mean, you have seen them pull some snaky movements on others. But that’s them…. they would never do that to you. You trust them with your life. And if you go pen or get taken away, they will look out for mumsy…won’t they?

Let stalk about Mumsie for a minute. I mean if your lucky enough to have a mum that loves and cares for you…well…. you are blessed. My mum couldn’t…wouldn’t see what was happening to me. She loved me unconditionally. Boy let me tell you about my Mumsie…. she never looked at me with badness in her eyes. She tried the best she could when she could. She never saw the bad in me. She was so proud of me.

Well…. except the time when I denied I hurt that girl over and over. Mum sat me down and made me swear I didn’t do it. That the blood over my jacket and trainers was from a nose bleed. She said that if she just knew the truth then she could handle that. So, I told her. It was not me mum. Come on mum…you know me. Why would you listen to them? They are just picking on me as usual. She nodded and hugged me and put down one piece of cussing to my social worker and the police. Told them about themselves she did. She put them right in their place hahah. Told them…my girl is a lot of things…but to do that to that poor innocent girl. No. Everyone was talking about it and she as my mother would know if her daughter had done it thank you very much. Yep she had my back.

I had to watch her face as they showed her the CCTV footage of me harming the girl. The other 14-year-old that everyone in the ends was taking about. The one that wouldn’t some out no more. I watched my mums face change from stern…to shocked…to sick…to crying.

I watched my mum be destroyed from the inside out by my actions and lies. Just so I stayed loyal to my Fam. She couldn’t look at me for days. She didn’t speak to me for days. I could hear her crying at night…when I bothered to come home.

My mum died of Cancer 11 years ago. I sat with her as she died, and before she died, I asked her if I could confess all the things I lied about. She could no longer speak so nodded. I sat there for a good 2 hours and just cried and spoke …and apologised. For every time she had to worry where I was at night. For every time she had to report me missing. For every time I went missing and didn’t come back for days. For the times she found weapons or drugs hidden in the house. For lying. For stealing.

Sorry for the time I swore to you I didn’t hurt that girl and made you look foolish in front of all them people when you found out I did. I am also sorry for the same I made you feel when you realised what I was capable when they read out what I did t her.

Sorry for breaking your heart just so I could run the streets.

But I get it. You wont ever need to do that. You won’t ever do that to your mum……

Because you’re a bad gal.

Good luck with that.

Kendra

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