Trigger waring throughout

So, before we get into it, let me be clear in saying in this blog that I can only account for what was normalised in my community. I say “our” as I do think what I am about to say will impact many people, but I can only vouch for what I saw and experienced myself.

Let start with some language that makes my blood boil but was used and is still used about children.

Child pornography

Sex with underage girls

Referring to a someone as a boyfriend/girlfriend  when one is a child, and one is an adult.

When adults “having sex” with male children (especially if the adult was a female) is not seen as “bad “ as adults having sex with female children

I could go on and on.

So let me put this out there as well, and I chose my words very carefully as I say this…in terms of friends, I would say that I only have two childhood friends who have not suffered some sexual trauma in childhood. They may not be recognized as that, they may say that they had a baby with “a older boyfriend” when in fact they were 15 and the man was 20, but from what I know about the people around me, only two I could say didn’t suffer any trauma (that I know of). Old and new. Of all genders, races, and classes. Two of them.

I have to pause and be mindful as I write now as I know it will be hard hitting for people; I grew up with to read.

So, take a minute and reflect on your own childhood and teenage years. Were any of the things I am talking about part of your childhood, maybe not directly to you but those around you. Hopefully none of this touched you at all and your child hood was not tarnished and your childhood disrupted and stolen. Hopefully.

I acknowledged that for some of us, this sexual abuse and sexualiation happened way before it did to others. And that is the scary thing, to some degree this stuff was  just normalised in parts of the community. People didn’t speak about it or if they did it was in hushed words and dealt with “privately”.

So, when I refer to a paedophile notice there are many different  definitions floating around so let keep  it real and use the Oxford dictionary definition.

A person who is sexually attracted  to children.

That’s what I mean about it. And whilst I could talk at a deep level of the sexualised behaviours between peers growing up I am not taking about that.

I am talking about the adults in our communities that are/were sexually attracted to children and act on it. Adults aged 18 and over.

So, let’s rewind-

In the early 90s, I was part of a group of kids on a local estate . Looking back, we were a unique bunch, a story I plan to share in the future. For now, it’s important to know that our group was exclusively under the age of 16, with an average age of 11 to 15. We did have a few younger members, likely siblings or cousins, but no one older.

However…

The older ones on the estate  would join our group whenever they wanted . Now, when I say older, I refer to 18 plus. There was a group of males, aged 18 plus that, at times would be involved with our group. Maybe not all at the same time, but they would dip in and out while others would become a permanent fixture for a while.

Some of the group loved it when this when it happened. For lots of reasons. The bigger ones were good at football for example. And they always had “cooler” clothing and stories. But.. of course they did…they were adults.

I HATED it when they joined the group.

In our group there was more males than females by quite a high number. There was always constant flirting and joking within that group. In my group of friends I can honestly say I didn’t feel threated. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the jokes and “Banter” that was thrown around. If it went too far people would say something (including myself) but for me it was not a creepy thing at all.

More like normal exploring of children who ae becoming sexually aware.

Which was not really true. Because most of us, including me, had already been subjected to sexual abuse. But in the circle it was safe and there was no “incidents” between us.

However, when the men  joined (and yes I appreciate that some looked and dressed like us…I get that…but they was over 18), when they joined that when it become not safe. Because they would join in the same “flirty” language and jokes.

Some of the girls were instantly captivated by these men. They girls would form small group to discuss what ***** had said to them that day and passionately argued about who he liked the most. I would point out, “But he is too old,” and the girls would react with frustration, pushing me aside. This dynamic clearly divided the group into three distinct factions: the adult and the male children who idolized him, the girls he was grooming, and myself along with the rest of the boys.

And that how it was.

Below are the kinds of things that happened. You have a read and then you can make your own decision …

A 12-year-old girl going t a 19 year olds house for sex. Daily. Both sets of parents knew and it was happening in his mums house. We all knew. Everyone knew. No one said a word

Playing drinking games or games with dares and if the girls got  dare (we was all aged under 13) you had to do “something” with one of the boys. But it was always the adult.

People openly talking bout a 22 year old having sex with multiple female children all under the age of 14.

Nearly  all of us having a baby under the age of 16, across 3 different areas, and not a single word said.

My friend got pregnant at 13, had the baby at 14, and the father of that child was 23.

There was a girl who was openly “in a relationship” with someone who worked and was known in the local area. She was 13 and he was 24.

There was this man, around 22-25, who used to stand on his balcony and shout sexualised comments while smoking a fag. Sometimes his dad stood with him. People would say, “Just ignore him.”

I was once wolf-whistled at by three men I knew who were sitting on a way, and one shouted that I should “Suck them off”. They all worked in the local garage and was on a lunch break, all over 18. I was 11.

And apart from a few people speaking out directly about individual incidents, I dont remember very much being done about any of this at all.

I could go on and on. And this was in the 80s and 90s, and you know what…nothing has changed. I still see this abuse, and luckily, I am in a position to do something about it, but it scares me how much we don’t talk about it.

So I end where I began… Let’s talk about how sexual abuse and paedophilia was/is normalised in our communities. Each one of us has a role to play in addressing this issue.