A message from Matt’s mum:

On Wednesday, 23rd October, it will be 6 months since Matt took his own life. To honor him, I would like everyone who loved him to do an act of kindness in his name.

I spoke in his eulogy about being #BeMoreMatt he showed such care and compassion towards everyone he met. So it would be a fitting tribute to do a random act of kindness in his name.

Only if would you like to, please share it. #BeMoreMatt

We all go through storms—moments of doubt, pain, or hardship. But during those tough times, even the smallest acts of kindness can shine like a rainbow, bringing hope and warmth when it’s needed most. You never know how a kind word, a listening ear, or a simple smile could change everything…

Be the reason someone feels seen, valued, and uplifted.

You can read about Matt here https://outoftheshadows.blog/2024/05/26/bemorematt-watching-a-mum-say-goodbye/

My contribution to #BeMoreMatt

I decided to write a blog for the person I think needs to be shown love today. But I have tried to do this over the past 4 days and have struggled to start and even get out what I need to say. So, I have used a prompt. It was the only way I could do it, but at the same time, I didn’t want people to think I had written words that were not mine. I used the lyrics from the song above to help me frame this letter. The lyrics I use are in italics. Ideally, you would now press play and then start reading the blog. But you do it how you want…

Where to start

This blog is well overdue. I should have done it a long time ago. But I have just been making excuses.

Because just like most people around you, I often think, “She will be OK.” And for that, I am sorry. I heard this song, and it made me stop in my tracks. I was driving, and it came on, and I had to pull over, sobbing like a child. My windows got steamed and everything. Then I sent it to someone who has been around a lifetime, and they felt it, too.

I know that I don’t tell you this enough

But you deserve so much more love than I give

You’ve been through hell so many times

And I still blamed you for the times you cried

You truly deserve more love than I give you. I shake my head as I write that because I know I can show you love, and I know I do now. But not enough, and none for a long time. If we are being honest, I felt like no one else loved you, so you were unlovable. Even writing that is harsh. But you deserve my honesty.

When people talk about “going through hell,” I often wonder what that means to them and what their story is. I am so interested in helping other people that…and this is not OK…I ignored parts of your story.

I need you to listen to this part properly, like read it four times if needed. Promise me you will read this next line and then stop for a moment and process. OK?

What some boys and men have done to you is not your fault and never was. You did nothing wrong. I don’t care how you dressed or acted or anything like that. It was not your fault.

It was not your fault.

It was not your fault.

It’s hard to read…. ain’t it?

Something else I want you to know…

The people who are currently letting you down, the ones who know you and your past but yet still act selfishly to make sure their own needs are being met, no matter the cost or impact to you, who have destroyed hopes of how you wanted things to be…let them. It can’t always be your fault; it’s just easy to blame you because you spent a lifetime blaming yourself, and they have jumped on the back of that. Let them.

People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves…so …you know…just let them.

People in privileged positions can afford to make privileged decisions. They have a lot less to lose than you do, so… let them.

I blamed you each time you cried. I used to be much crueler about it back in the day, and please don’t think I am trying to make excuses. I am not.

Not anymore.

But what I said to you when you were crying was…. unforgivable. I know what I said. Bad mum, bad person, no one likes you, you to blame for how they act … and the one I will have to forgive myself for one day but not today….

It’s your fault

I am sorry I blamed you for the things they did to you : abusers, exploiters, family, friends and ex-partners. I blamed you for all their actions and choices. I blamed you for what they chose to do to you. Because I know you are able to be accountable for your part when you do make mistakes. Never been afraid to do that. Big time blame you …. I’m sorry

The word “sorry” just sounds pathetic right now. But No One should be blamed for crying or told they can’t cry. I’m sorry.

I also need to tell you how proud I am of you. I never allow you to celebrate your achievements. And there have been some, shit; just the fact of where you are right now makes me so fucking proud. But I never say it or show it. I think I even said yesterday….

You could do better

Ignore me when I say that. That is coming from a voice of the past. You know that. You have done better. You are better. You are exactly where you should be right here and now.

I didn’t give it all just to get nothing

I’mma take this pain and turn it into something.

You did turn it into something. I am proud of how many children and people you have helped. The other day, you got that message from Amy saying thank you for helping her change her life, and what did I say…

Should have done more.

Why can’t I just let you take the wins…

You have turned the most painful parts of your life into training, resources, and practice. Fuck me, you got people to change how they carried out their work with children and young people. Police, NHS, education. CJS, parents, and charities. You have left school with nothing and now have an MA. You have your own business. You have created security.

You have done that part. You don’t need to turn all that pain into anything anymore—breathe. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner so you could slow down. I should have.

If you were anybody else, I would have held you while you cried

Told you that you’re justified

You’ve been fighting for your light inside

And you know you can’t deny

Don’t you even try to lie

You worked so damn hard to stay alive

And that is the cold, hard truth: If you were anybody else, I would have held you, soothed you, and rocked you—just like I have done for so many other people. Instead, I bow my head and look away, disappointed at times, and most definitely have not ever told you it was justified.

But it was.

Man, you have been through some pain. It would have broken most people. Even when you wanted to end it all, I barely touched you. More a hand on your shoulder like a distant parent saying now now….no need for all that.

But there was a need.

Thinking about taking your own life must have been so scary. You must have felt so scared and alone. In fact… I know exactly how you felt… don’t I….

I remember the 3rd and last time you went there, I made you go to work the next day.

You worked so damn hard to stay alive.

If only people actually knew.  But I know, and I still have never just let recover from that place. I think that the “She will be OK” theory comes back into play here, but that is not good enough.

There have been times when you were not OK, and I was not there for you. I’m sorry. It will never happen again.

Standing at Matt’s funeral, remember what you said as you watched his mum speak. You said that could be any one of us. And it could. We are all just people; some of us struggle, are struggling…, and will struggle, and we may just need someone to be there. Or not. They may decide that they need to go.

You wanna feel, but you’re tryna heal, and your bodies aching

And you’re tryna pick up all the pieces while you’re breaking

You’ve been working hard for every breath you’re taking

I’m proud of you, so proud of you

What is that book…the body keeps the score…and it sure does. I have watched you pick yourself up when you have been shattered latterly into a million bits. I have watched you get up from both physical and emotional beatings that others would have been destroyed from.

I have watched you mourn someone who was not dead until you could not get out of bed, and when you did … collapsed and cried for hours. Not eat. Not sleep. Not being able to rest. And I could have resolved much of that by being kinder to you. But instead, I blamed you. I’m sorry.

I have watched you be disrespected at such a level that you have no choice but to remove yourself, even when that means you miss out. You feel more pain. Just to leave people you love in a space they choose to be in. To protect yourself.

I have seen it all.

And yes, I am proud of you. You have done the work, and you have faced some of your biggest demons,

You have, quite literally, been to the darkest place possible and come back from it.

I know you miss your mum and your people, but you should be able to handle it because you should have me.

And I didn’t. I’m sorry. But I will now. I think I have shown you that recently. I hope so because I really am trying.

And it’s easier to say

When I’m acting like I’m talking to somebody else

It’s easier to say

But this time, this is for me

I wanted to use this day to be kind to someone because I want to be #bemorematt. So, I will start with myself. I have not been very kind to myself and have blamed myself for others’ actions.

This blog is dedicated to the person who I have been most unkind to in this life….me.

I’m proud of what I have achieved.

I (finally) like who I am.

I know who I am and won’t apologize for it.

Today, please reach out and say something kind to someone or … more importantly….yourself in memory of Matt.