I missed out on a lot in my life, especially as a child. Things that many would see as “normal” were not gifted upon me. Like, I never joined the brownies or guides. I didn’t have regular holidays and any holidays we did go on were stressful. I didn’t join summer clubs, go-karting with my friends. I didn’t go camping, didn’t go on adventures that were wholesome  and fun. I could go on and on and I am sure there are lots of people like me out there.

My “normality” was stolen due to many factors including parental mental health, parental drug and alcohol use, domestic abuse and poverty.

I didn’t go abroad until I was 28.

Because if you’re not shown how to be a kid then ….how do you enjoy doing kid things? I would say my childhood ended completely around aged 10. By 16 I had my own child.

Now don’t get me wrong, it has not all been doom and gloom. Absolutely not. But I always knew something was missing. I just could not work out what it was.

Then, a few years ago I went home. You can read about it here, but basically, I went home to rev=cover my inner child. I know that might sound mental, trust me I felt mental doing it. But as I sat on the steps of my childhood home, and I said out loud “ It was not ok” I felt her. The child that had been left, waiting for someone to come get her. I could even imagine what she looked like. 8-year-old me, dirty and snotty, wearing a long night and most definitely holding a teddy, cold and tired. Her face would be slightly grubby, and tear stained, no shoes. Long blonde hair a mess.

And as I sat on the stairs and I pictured her sitting next to me, moving closer for warmth, I told her that I had come to take her with me. That I was sorry I abandoned her for so many years, but I was here now.

And then I sat on those cold concreate stairs and hugged my knees and cried and soothed myself , just like I did back then.

And we left.

Life changed after that. In many ways. But I did start to understand myself a lot more and started to  put in the work. Yet still something…not quite right.

As I started getting mentoring, talking to people  and such the same things kept coming up….you need to link with your inner child.

I did! I went and got her, didn’t I!

And then someone said to me…”But are you letting yourself have the childhood you never had”?

I  am not going to lie, I wanted to hit the person that said that. Because it hurt. Like deep hurt. And made me angry.

I don’t do things for myself. Or…I didn’t. Work and raise the kids….that’s what I am here for. But I realised that actually, I needed to start taking care of myself.

So, me and my good friend Trish decided to plan an adventure. It was just words to start with but then we started looking at things all of a sudden it was like I needed to do this.

And that’s when we found Camp Wildfire.

I saw a  little post on Facebook that I clicked on, read, and thought…wow…ok …this sounds epic. I sent it to Trish, and we decided to give it a go. Now this was a big deal for both of us in so many ways, both have anxiety and a million other mad things going on, we are badly organised, and we can’t really organise a trip to the cinema. But we decided that we were going to Camp Wildfire. And the journey began…

From trying to decide what activities to do right through to deciding how many pairs of shoes we actually needed to take (Seven is too many… just as a side note), everything was new and an adventure. We bought matching things and decided what activities were a “Must”. We practiced putting up tents in the wind which resulted in me being wrapped in my tent on the seafront and screaming while people called “You Ok” while Trish cried on the floor.

And then…just like that…it was the day before…

I could not sleep. Trish was getting there before me as I had work, but as I lay in bed that night, looking at all my packed bags with all our new bits…I imagined that this is what it would feel like to be a kid waiting to go on your camping trip with your mate. I was…excited!

The next day, as I prepared to go, the post came. I opened it up and inside was some t-shirts I had ordered for the trip but had forgotten about. And  there it was…my New Kids on The Block t-shirt!!! I had wanted that t shirt so bad growing up and here it was! So, I ran to the bathroom, changed into it, and looked at myself in my new t shirt, Jogging bottoms and trainers…and I smiled the biggest smile. My son….who is 27… had to watch like a  patient dad as I showed him my t shirt and said how excited I  was and then and left. That poor child.

I had never driven that far. I got lost. I have never driven on a motorway…all part of the adventure. It took me hours, but I did it!

I pulled in, saw Trish and we started unpacking my car, building my tent and just getting to grips with this new world.

Then it was time for “initiation”. We had no idea what that was, but we decide we better try and join in… So, when you join camp wildfire, you choose what “House” you want to be in – Badgers, Foxes, Hawks and squirrels. We had chosen Fox’s and had fox ears among other things) for the occasion. So, we put our ears on and went to the main camp where we were told to gather.

Can you picture a more awkward scene that to 40 plus women, in Fox ears standing in a filed while absolute madness erupted around us.

There were full-grown adults dressed up, with face paints, dressed as animals, still in work clothes and most of these people were whooping and screaming like children. We had been separated into our teams and our team leaders were inciting us into a battle of chants and songs to outdo the other groups. And people were going mental.

We just stood there, feeling every inch of our 40s and I thought…

I can’t do this.

I can’t stand in a field and do this. I have work. I have so much I should be doing; this is not fun. It’s just…madness.

And so, we stood. While two groups started a conga line that swirled and swirled around us (And other awkward-looking people) like a bad dream whilst we said, “We can’t join in, we are wearing sliders” and I was debating how mad Trish would be if I asked to go home now….Then all of a sudden, we could hear something…drums. And this band came banging through the sea of people and everyone started to follow them in their teams.

Follow where?

Why were we not in the right place? We are surrounded by forests so where is everyone going?

Also, as Trish pointed out, we work in safeguarding children, and we tell the children not to follow strangers or go somewhere they don’t know…

Yet here we were, being swept along in the crowd with no idea where we were going.

The crowd was deep, and we were near the back so as we started walking you started to hear screams and whoops as the people at the front had obviously arrived at the destination.

Now…I’m not going to go into any more detail about certain aspects. Because you need to feel it for yourself. But 10 minutes later I was no longer 40.  I no longer felt awkward.

I was a kid at summer camp with my mate and we were having the best time of our lives.

Camp Wildfire…is where you can be  kid  by day and party by night.

And we did both to the full extent.

After sleeping in our tents, the first night (Which almost kicked me as I had no idea how to keep warm- Will be better next time) we woke up and we were forensic detectives for two hours. Obviously, we had to dress up, so I was Sherlock and Trish was Holmes….Which actually resulted in me wearing a Mustache for the day which I really liked and got lots of compliments on.

Over the course of those 3 days, we did all the things I wish I could of as a kid. We built a den, did dancing to Afro beats, shot a gun (I got a bullseye….just saying), archery wars, African drumming, bee keeping and astronomy  to name a few.

We laughed so hard in a field at 11 o’clock at night that wee came out and it took us an hour to make a 10-minute walk , taking several steps before we collapsed in laughter ……may I point out we did not drink once the whole weekend

We got our hair braided… …bad idea because we could not great idea as we didn’t need to do our hair.

I ate as much ice cream and slushies as I wanted, and we ate the most amazing food.

We got stranded in our tents when the heavens opened (I may have slept through that)

We tripped over tents and got lost, Trish wore a body suit and then dungarees…so toilets were extra fun.

And in the evening, we partied. Not like grown women……ohhhh no. Like kids

I mean let me just break this down for you…

I danced on stage with Timmy Mallet! Most of my childhood heroes are dead or nonces so this was … just bloody brilliant.

We discovered Dutty moonshine Big Band ….The most amazing band that made us stop in our tracks.

And then on Sunday, Trish, who was in charge of the map, casually announced that the Sunday night music was Garage All Stars with Lisa Maffia and Romeo!!

And did we rave at that one… My good god. If anyone was there and saw me at the front…you will know what I mean. It was like being in a rave at 20 again., I felt alive. I felt free……

The night before I had sat in Trish’s little tent and said, “I can’t go back to life how it was before this, the same old rubbish all the time, I want to live”.

I lay in my tent the last night and thought about how amazing it all was. How I had seen two 50-year-old plus women running across the fields that day, big smiles and screaming as they tried to get their hand-made kites up in the air and thinking about the lip sync battles where we had screamed like it was the real back street boys. And I felt happy.

On Monday morning when it was time to come home, we took our last selfie at 5 in the morning, and we pulled down our tents and got ready to leave.

As I drove home (obviously got lost again) I felt very emotional and very tearful. I was exhausted and dirty and tired. And I wanted to go back right now.

Because for 3 days I was a kid. And everyone around me was a kid. And no one was being judgemental. I had a full Mustache for a whole day and people just kept saying “Nice tash”. Or nothing. Because no one cared. And I didn’t care what I looked like, and I tried new things, and I laughed, and I just lived.

For 3 whole days

I was ….me.

And that little girl who lives in me and was hidden away for so long…she had just had the time of her life.

So, thank you Camp Wildfire, and that you Julia Lowe and Lee Denny for coming up with the concept. I don’t think you actually realise what you do for people.

We will be back next year. Tickets bought…veterans if you don’t mind.

We have decided, me and Trish, that we are going to always go just the two of us. We thought about inviting other people, but both realised that actually…. It’s okay to just make it “our thing”. One weekend a year where we are kids again…

Now where are my paints ….I think I need a craft afternoon on the sofa with my Barbie blanket …P.S….I wanted the Badgers to win….just saying! Ba ba ba ba Badgers….