My first blog of the year “2010-2020: The decade of finally finding my freedom” was a difficult blog for me to write on many levels but the main reason was it made me feel extremely vulnerable.
I got lots of feed back on it. Many people reached out to me. I would say 90 % of the response was along the lines of “I can’t believe that someone like you got into a relationship like this” and “I’m shocked, you’re so strong, I can’t imagine you allowing this”.
Now if you are reading this and you are one of the people that sent me a message like that, its cool, I love the feedback. However, it did make me feel like my “role” and position as a professional took away from what I was trying to get across. I think. But I dint want to make a big deal out of it. I did text one of my very good friends and have a rant. She is in a similar position in some ways and she agreed with my upset and said “People have good intentions, but you are right……everyone has vulnerability and grows from bad experiences…” She said that people may hold me in high regard and may be shocked when I speak about domestic abuse as I have nit touched on it much.
And she was right.
I thought maybe I needed to not be so emotional about it and that If I am going to blog about stuff then people are free to add their thoughts.
Then today I saw that Dr Jessica Taylor was saying very similar. She wrote…
“Next time you think “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”…remind yourself that even ‘professionals’ who do this shit for a living don’t know how to get out quickly and still have to spend years processing what happened to them and how”
I read that and almost bloody cried.
Many people have said that what happened was not my fault. My own son has said over and over that it was not my fault. That a lot happened.
But I do blame myself. For ignoring warning signs. For going against all the things, I have warned people about. For allowing my children to live in such a toxic environment. For allowing myself to be treated like that.
No matter what anyone says to me I blame myself more than anyone will truly know.
Because I should have known better. Me…the role I do, the things I study. All that I stand for, I should have known better and left.
But It was never that fucking simple. It never is.
Hearing Jessica say what she did …wow…it was like she came and sat next to me and spoke those words directly into my ear. Like she was saying “You know who fault it was…HIS”.
I know people may be shocked to think that “professionals” (and I do use that term loosely) could end up in the same situation that they tell people to leave. But that’s the craftsmanship of a narcissist…. you don’t see it coming.
Someone very close to me describes it best…. he bought whilst stocks were low. It’s the best analogy I could ever use for how I walked into a very toxic relationship.
I was not the person I am right now. I was not even a glimmer of this person. I was broken. Stocks were very low indeed.
Going into details is not fair. As in most cases, there are other involved. People I love. And they don’t need to know all the details like this. These need to come …if ever…at the right time.
However, I still have to acknowledge every single day what happened. And every day I am reminded in some way of what happened. Even today, this morning, I was once again reminded that a true narcissist only care about themselves. They will pretend that they love and care for others. They will say they do.They will scream and shout they do. But when the truth is there in cold daylight…. it’s about them and what they need.
Someone messaged me and said “He didn’t hit you though did he” it was not sent in a cocky way or as in …well why are you moaning…. he didn’t even hit you. The person, who I know very well, said it as in “Wow…. I didn’t know it was so bad…did he hit you”.
He never hit me. But once you have a grown man press their forehead against yours, so that you can feel the sweat from their head on yours and the heat…as they scream vile names and fake truths…whilst his saliva is splashing against your face….whilst they tell you that you are worth nothing…and you don’t react…you don’t move…because it’s the only way that possibly …just maybe…the kids won’t hear. And as you go to walk away they make it clear that no one like you…your kids don’t like you…that …your friends don’t like you and then…. the line all true narcissists have in their tool box ……YOU WOULD BE NOTHING WITH OUT ME…..LOOK AT ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU…and then that night or the next night they slide into bed and wonder why you cringe at their touch. Why the last thing you want to do is be intimate with them…which ether starts a late night row or several days of nasty comments or…if your really lucky…they will cheat and speak to other people behind your back….which later they will say id your fault. It’s all your fault…. Well… first, they will deny it and say you are mad. That you need help. But once they have been caught out…then it’s your fault….
So, no…. I didn’t get battered by the fist. But I was crushed by the behaviour of a monster. And that’s not how it is for some people. I can only chat about me.
Did I just say Monster?
I am a strong woman. If anyone even tried to chat to me like that now…including him…I would ruin them with my words. If any human tried to bring me down like that then they would be dropped from my life in a insistent. Not even a second thought.
Because I am Kendra Fucking Houseman and I was not put on this earth to take no one’s shit.
But once…when the stocks were low…and I was unable to protect myself …a parasite found me. How? I will never know. How they turn up at just the right time is something I will never understand. The same way I will never understand why you put people down to make yourself feel better.
I am human. I MAKE MISTAKES. You are human. You make mistakes. What we all need to do is take what we have learnt and try to help others who may be in such situations…instead of what I have been doing …beating myself up. Just as Jessica said……if professionals are telling you they have their shit together and they have it all sorted…lies mate.
I’m 39 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
But what I do know is this… no matter what your age…if someone bullies, abuses, exploits, or harms you…it’s their fault. Never ours.